Bad news. This is a Valentine’s Day column.
Be aware that I absolutely mean the delay as a sign of disrespect. I know it’s cliche, and that I’ve expressed it before on this very site, but I hate Valentine’s Day. It’s an unlucky day that brings nothing but misery. Not only is it a manufactured holiday created to sell garbage to prove your love, but I once broke up with a girl I was dating on Valentine’s Day when I caught her cheating on me when I went to pick her up for our date.
You may think that’s an overreaction but—you’ll need to use your imagination here—she wasn’t cheating with just one person when I walked in.
Anyway, in honor of Valentine’s Day here are five wildly inappropriate love songs you probably shouldn’t play during your belated dinner date. They’re romantic, in a way, but probably not the tone you want to set. Unless she’s into that sort of thing. I don’t know your life.
Bloodhound Gang — “The Bad Touch”
If you’re not from the ’90s you may not be familiar with Bloodhound Gang. All you need to know is that this song is from their album Hooray For Boobies, which also produced the single “The Ballad of Chasey Lain.” It’s that kind of band.
I will give them credit, though, that a song this dense with multiple entendres got played as heavily as it did on MTV with only one word censored is impressive. And that word is “doggy,” of all things. The ’90s were a weird time and I think in retrospect we all have regrets.
Nine Inch Nails — “Closer”
We’re sticking with the ’90s, but this time moving from the goofy, light-hearted part into the darkly surreal world of industrial metal.
I love ’90s industrial metal but, you guys, it was weird. It’s still weird. That video up there? That pretty much sums it up, and it didn’t make any more sense at the time. It’s a bunch of grinding noises and slaughterhouse imagery and an unholy union of cyberpunk and cybergoth aesthetics.
By those standards, this is actually a very romantic song. By the standards of human beings it’s… something else. So probably don’t bring cockroaches and a side of beef to your date unless, again, they’re into that sort of thing.
Richard Cheese — “Me So Horny”
Let’s bring it down a little with a little number from Richard Cheese, master of the lounge music cover. Never has Mr. Moviefone been so sexy. There’s something about rap lyrics sung in this style that makes them sound so much more inappropriate and so much more hilarious.
If you ever get the chance to see Richard Cheese in concert you should go. Especially if he’s at Bimbo’s 365 Club in San Francisco; the decor fits the band’s aesthetic and the music so perfectly it’s a great experience.
Digital Underground — “Freaks of the Industry”
I love Shock G and the Underground, and I love Donna Summer’s “Love to Love You Baby,” so this was a fairly easy call even if it’s marginally less inappropriate than the rest of the list.
On a completely unrelated note, does anyone know what happened to the 12-foot-tall Humpty head that was abandoned in some Oakland warehouse? It’s been years since they were trying to find a home for it and I think the Internet lost track, but if it’s still out there I will absolutely build a plexiglass shelter for it in my driveway. My neighbors will be thrilled. I really hope they’re into that sort of thing. If not, well, it’s my property.
Musique — “In the Bush”
This list just wouldn’t be complete without a disco song and a song for the ladies, so here you go. As much as I’d have loved to go with a Donna Summer song I just couldn’t pass up a song with the chorus “push, push, in the bush” because it’s such a great bookend to the Bloodhound Gang. You may or may not be into that sort of thing. It’s your life.
Thus concludes this year’s grudging acknowledgment of Valentine’s Day. Let’s never speak of it again.
Follow editor Daniel J. Willis and tweet column ideas to him at Twitter.com/BayAreaData.